Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I Don't Even Have a Good Excuse

I realized the other day, that I haven't posted anything but cute pictures in a few weeks. 

I'm not even commenting on people's blogs as often as I used to. 

And I've been horrible with keeping in touch with people.
I haven't emailed a few friends of mine in what feels like weeks and I think another friend has been waiting for me to call her back for like a month.

I haven't even been going to my book club.

This year started out pretty well.   I was doing the whole therapy thing, and although I wasn't thrilled with my therapist, I felt like I was making progress.   Then the fire happened.

That whole situation was pretty shit but I got moved back in with my parents and therein lies the source of the problem.

My parents live pretty far away from where I work so I've been dealing with a 3-4 hour commute every day.  In bumper to bumper city traffic.

It means that on a good day, I'm getting up at 5:30am.  On a morning where I have to be in the office for 7am, I'm getting up closer to 4am.  It's not fun.

Did I mention I'm living with my parents?

I mean there are perks, like pancakes and dinner that I didn't have to cook myself.  But there are also some serious drawbacks.  Like total lack of privacy.  When you're super tired from a long day and you come home after dealing with 2 hours of insane traffic, the last thing you want to deal with is a parent bombarding you with questions and generally stressing you the fuck out.  Part of me just wants to go home, eat cup-of-soup and then hide in my room with a book 'till it's time to go to bed.  As it is, I come home, eat something, tidy up and have a shower and then it's pretty much bedtime anyway.  But I feel like I need to be sociable with my parents while I'm there.  Which means family dinners and rehashing my day whether I like it or not.  Now the family dinners don't bother me but my mom typically doesn't understand my introverts need for alone time.  And I feel guilty that I need to isolate myself from them sometimes.

Part of the problem is that I'm so exhausted I can't find the energy to actually interact with people.  I make it through my day at work and when I'm done? Stick a fork in me, I'm DONE. 

The other part is that I'm used to having my independence.  I'm not used to having to call home to let my mom know when I'll be in for dinner.  I'm not used to having to explain myself when I go out.  Don't even get me going on my mother telling me it's late and I should go to bed ( I wish I was kidding but I'm not).

I'm the one on the right.
The other day I was having a horrible day at work.  I had a splitting headache.  Work was crazy, I didn't have time for lunch and I just wanted to go home.  But I didn't want to go to my parents house.  I wanted to go HOME.  But I don't have a home.  And it's depressing.  I've been searching for an apartment and I've found 5 or 6 buildings that fit all my criteria but none of them have availabilities.  I'm paying off my student debt which is awesome but the longer I'm "homeless" the more frustrated I'm becoming.  I miss my privacy, I miss having my stuff around me, I miss being in the city and having the freedom to do what I want.  But most of all, I miss having a space to call my home.  Because honestly? My parents house doesn't feel like home to me anymore.  I feel like this awkward squatter that's living in my childhood bedroom except that it's not MY bedroom anymore because my stuff is in boxes and my mom  redecorated a few years ago.

So to say I feel a little lost right now would be an understatement.

The funny thing?  I had been considering breaking up with my therapist for a while.  When the fire happened I called her and told her what was going on.  She was OK with me postponing my next appointment till things got settled.  When I had to move back in with my parents, I emailed her to update her and again she was understanding.  And that's it.  She hasn't emailed, or attempted to follow-up with me at all and honestly I'm going to just use it as the "break-up" that was already coming.  But seriously, one of your patients loses their home and is forced to move back into a difficult situation and you just fall off the face of the earth?  Thanks.  Nice to know she cared.  Oh and the few neighbors I had that I saw socially and talked to all the time?  Haven't heard from them despite the fact that they knew I was evicted.  Nobody's reached out to ask if I've found a new place.  Nothing.  So I feel like I've fallen off the face of the earth and nobody gives a crap.

Worst of all I feel like I have absolutely nothing to bitch about.  I mean yeah, I lost my apartment but none of my stuff was damaged.  Yeah I'm technically homeless but I've got my family and a roof over my head.  A lot of people have a lot of bigger issues to deal with so I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. 

And on that depressing note....

'Cause that's just adorable.




  1. I've been wondering where your real posts were, but it's totally understandable considering! I do hope you find a place of your own again soon, that feeling of having your own space is so important. Hugs!

    1. Thanks hun. I didn't realize exactly how stressed I was till the other day. I had a headache and I almost started crying at work for no good reason.

  2. I was thinking about you the yesterday and was missing your regular posts. I realized it was probably a side-effect of the general craziness that is your day-to-day nowadays. I can understand how it feels to move back into your mom and dad's when you're an adult - I had to do it a couple of years ago as the result of a bad roommate. As much as you love them, suddenly going back to living their lifestyle after years on your own can be very difficult - to say the least!

    I'll keep sending positive energy your way so hopefully you can find your own place soon - or at least that you start to feel more comfortable where you're at for now! If you ever need to talk, or just vent out the frustration, send me a FB message or something - we've gotta stick together! <3

    1. Thanks hun. It's difficult because to say that my mom and I clash would be an understatement. I'm sick of coming home to an argument every day, I'm hating that I'm back in an environment where everything about me is critiqued every single day and the fact that I'm exhausted means I don't feel like I've got my proper defenses up.

      Thanks for the happy thoughts. xoxoxox

  3. Sorry Ash! I hope it gets better soon! You will find a place, I just know it! Fingers and toes are crossed for you!!!

    1. Thanks hun. I have some vacation time coming up at the end of the month and I'm going to hide and read but the thought of being trapped at home helping my mom do stuff does not appeal to me. Anyone want to adopt a Canadian for a week?

  4. I'm sorry, Ash! The fire was a shitty, undeserved fiasco that was completely not your fault, and it sucks that there's severe consequences for you. I've done the whole live-at-home-as-an-adult thing temporarily in between moves and it's really damn hard. Fingers crossed that things will be on the upswing for the rest of 2013!

    Also, I love the fluffy animal pics. The bats still make me squeal a little. :)

    1. It was pretty shitty. Fingers crossed that by the time my birthday hits, things will be on the right track.

      Honestly I love the fluffy things too. I know the bats make you squeal but come on, those little white ghosty one's are adorably grumpy looking.

    2. I meant squeal in a good way :)

    3. Ah. I have to admid, that video of that little orphan bat rocking himself to sleep? I melted.