Thursday, January 24, 2013

If Men Were Like Cars

I felt like it was time to revive this theme.

If you haven't already read them, check out the earlier editions.

If Men Were Like Candles

If Men Were Like Dogs....Literally

I'm considering doing an entire series of these.  Some of the suggestions so far have been "If Men Were Like Underwear", "If Men Were Like Shoes" and this theme "If Men Were Like Cars."

If you have suggestions for any others, please please put them in the comments.

So here we go.

The Minivan Man:

Come on, he's the dad.  Dependable, kinda furry.  Able to lug 2.5 children to and from school along with the family dog.  Which is probably a Golden Retriever BTW.  Still kinda hot despite the greying hair but comfortable in his own skin.

The Pick-up Truck Man:

The Pick-up Truck Man could be one of two things.

Outdoorsy, rugged, handy.  He's the guy lugging dirt and lumber for a building project.  He's the guy that has  a pick-up truck because he NEEDS a pick-up truck.

The alternative is the guy who has a pick-up truck because he thinks it's cool.  He doesn't go off-roading and he doesn't use it to haul anything.  Heck he probably doesn't live anywhere that gets enough snow to require a 4x4.  He's the guy that probably likes having a pick-up because the front seat is a bench and that makes it easier to make out with what ever chick he's got at the moment.  Think, plaid shirt wearing, cigarette smoking, beer can get the point.

The American Muscle Car Man:

Personally this is the guy I'd date, but then I am my father's daughter.

This is the guy who knows his cars, and probably does his own oil changes.  He takes pride in his ride not because it's the most expensive or flashy car on the road but because it's his baby. And let's face it, his butt looks great in a pair of jeans and you like riding in his car because you look good sitting in it and you secretly want to drive it yourself.

The European Sports Car Man:

Again, this could be one of two guys.

One is slick, wealthy and arrogant.  He drives a flashy expensive car because he probably has more money than taste and thinks of it as an extension of his penis.  You know the guy I'm talking about.  The only chicks he lets in this thing are super models wearing so little clothes you're constantly wondering if they're cold.  Oh and his accent?  Probably fake.

The alternative is the middle aged man.  He bought a flashy car because he's going through a mid-life crisis and is clinging to his youth.  He doesn't have more money than sense but he's got a pretty decent savings account because he's older and financially responsible.  This is also an extension of his penis but more because he's insecure about his receding hairline.  Generally a good guy, just misguided. 

The Hybrid Car Man:

Nature loving, vegan, wears only natural fibers, rescues birds with broken wings.  Generally a nice guy but he's the kind of guy that makes you feel shitty about yourself because you know he's secretly judging you for eating bacon.  That and he's potentially a skinny jean wearing hipster that only listens to bands you've never heard of, again making you feel like he's secretly judging you because you dance around your apartment in your underwear to Beyonce.

Don't judge me!!!

The Vespa Man:

OK, so technically not a "car" man.  But a man nonetheless.  He's probably wearing short pants, purple socks, a gingham shirt and a cardigan.  He's either super cool and on the go.  Or he's a total nerd.  Either could work.  He probably has a Vespa either because he thinks it's cool or because he doesn't care what that helmet is doing to his hair.  Either way he probably has a messenger bag and nerd glasses. 



Obligatory kitty picture.


  1. I would like the Acura TSX man, please. Good looking and in reasonably good shape, but not gym obsessed. Likes to watch football on sundays and loves a girl who can keep up and join in. Would rather go out for pizza than to a fine dining establishment, and rocks a pair of good looking jeans and a casual button down like it's nobody's business. Works a 9-5 job that he enjoys, but doesn't live and die by. Excellent kisser.


    1. Out here in the sticks we call that the Avalanche man...cuz two sets of hockey equipment (his and hers) don't fit in the TSX.

    2. The "Beast Truck Man" is a sub-division of the "Pick-up Truck Man". With bonus Reindeer accessories for the holidays. ;)

    3. Ha, Elliott, I like the modification for your location. :D

  2. Replies
    1. Furry in that "middle aged dad kinda way"

    2. right, right. I totally know this type. I'll die before I ever own a minivan.

    3. I know. Unless you're the Brady Bunch, it's not required.

    4. Oh man, the minivan man speaks to my love of older men.

    5. haha AJ made me LOL. NO MINI VANS!!!

    6. Exactly. I can totally support the love of older dudes. But Ixnay to the Minivans

    7. Haha I think I just want someone stable who will do all the housework, tend to the childeren and make me martinis for when I get home from a long day at the office. Is that so much to ask? Also, if he could look like the guy who plays Mark Sloan on Grey's Anatomy, I wouldn't complain ;-p

    8. Essentially you want a man-wife.

      See if I'm going to pick my older dude husband, I totally want John Slattery from Mad Men.

    9. That is exactly what I want! But hunky. With nice arms.

  3. The Mini-Cooper Man: Quirky and adorable (but only after you get to know it.) Reliable, works hard, and plays hard. This guy prefers to keep things simple, but interesting.