Wednesday, October 24, 2012

If Men Were Like Candles

OK, so I got this idea after reading a friends blog over at Once in a Blue DC Moon.  She talked about a guy she was going on a date with and she pointed out that he was safe and comfortable and kinda like an LED Candle.  I loved the analogy and if you read through the comments you'll see I compared my dream man to a Vanilla Scented Pillar Candle.  Warm, cuddly, likes a good book, a little spicy.  You know the kinda guy I'm talking about.

This spawned the idea that.....if men were candles what type would they be?

Disclaimer:  Forgive me in advance, but there are going to be some gross exaggerations and stereotypes used in the following.  This is intended to be funny only so don't yell at me please.

The Vanilla Scented Pillar Candle Man

Warm, affectionate, likes cats and curling up with a good book.  Spicy when the occasion calls for it but overall similar to putting on a comfy sweater. 

The Red Unscented Taper Man:  

Tall, looks dashing in a suit.  Always shows up for a date with roses and a grin.  Probably drives a sports car.  Slick. Probably doesn't take any relationship serious.  Probably dates multiple women at the same time.

The Black multi-wick Pillar Candle Man:

Dark, brooding, wears a lot of leather.  Maybe drives a motorcycle. Probably has piercings or a tattoo.  Probably good in bed but not the kind of guy you're bringing home to mom.

The Febreze Candle Man:

Friendly.  Good with kids, old ladies and dogs.  Probably wears a lot of polo shirts and loafers.  Doesn't cheat on his taxes, tips well and works a 9-5 job.  I envision the human version of a Golden Retriever.  Always happy to see you, minimal slobber.

The Tea Light Man: 

The love 'em and leave 'em type.  Stylish dresser, probably wears a gold watch.  Checks his reflection in all shiny objects.  Talks to your tits instead of your face.  Burns hot and fast but is gone in about 3 hours.

The Glade Plug-in Man:

Kinda dorky.  Probably good with computers.  Energy efficient and multi-tasks.  Probably doesn't deal well with large groups.  A little socially awkward but cute in an oblivious kinda way.  You'd never have to worry about him lying about where he's going after work which is a bonus.

Cheers,

Ash


Additions:

The Hand Rolled Beeswax Candle Man:

He's your outdoors man.  Woodsy.  Has a beard.  Goes hiking in his spare time.  Wears woolly socks and a lot of flannel.  The kind of guy that you'd call when you need a tree chopped down because you know he owns an ax and a pick-up truck.

The Birthday Cake Sparkler Man:

This guy is your gay best friend.  Your perma-date for your cousins wedding.  The only man who will answer you honestly when you ask "Does this make my ass look fat?" 

15 comments:

  1. Hehehe this is fun! I'll take the Febreze Candle Man, please.

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    1. I imagine the Febreze Candle Man is the Ocean scented type. Or the linen scent one.

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    2. How about Sandalwood? Nice and manly but comforting ;-)

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    3. That could work although I don't envision Febreze Candle Man as being TOO outdoorsy. That would be "Handrolled Beeswax Candle Man"

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  2. LOVE IT, this had me laughing so hard! I can't believe you came up with this so quickly, I'm suitably impressed! :)

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    1. I was inspired and once I started thinking, they just poured out of me. I could probably come up with a few more. I contemplated adding the "Best friend who happens to be a gay man" candle but had to hold myself back.

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    2. Hey now, you've kind of altered my desire for a Sparkler with your definition here, LOL. I had a different Sparkler in mind! My sparks came from having a little fire, baby. :P

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    3. I imagined yours more as a firecracker. This guy, i'm thinking is a birthday cake sparkler ;)

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  3. The battery-powered candle man: He loves all things techy and new-fangled. He's likely to send you a phone charger in lieu of flowers. Good around babies and animals. Friendly and likeable, but doesn't care too much for a lot of social interaction. :)

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    1. Bahaha when I got the notification for this all I saw at first was "Battery Powered" and all I could think was "B.O.B?". Obviously it's my brain that's in the gutter.

      I'd like to add that Battery-powered candle man would probably be good as small appliance repair and help you hook up your TV.

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    2. Truth. I considered making it a B.O.B....but really it's a techy candle man. :)

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  4. Cinnamon-Apple Candle Man: Loves the scent of cinnamon and apple candles. Nerdy, somewhat awkward, but makes every little old lady in a 30 mile radius swoon. Comforting and homey, likes a freakishly clean house. I'm going off on tangents now trying to describe my husband. I've got nothing really, other than that he likes our house to smell like the inside of a craft store at Christmas.

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    1. So very similar to Vanilla Pillar Candle Man, but with OCD ;)

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  5. This is hilarious, I'm going to link to it on my blog! I think the guy I'm kinda-sorta seeing is a combo of the Glade Plug-In and the Vanilla Pillar.... but with a very overpowering vanilla scent. Bottom line, I need more of a fresh linen scent - refreshing, invigorating, and not stifling.

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    1. That's fantastic!! I'd be ok with the Linen scent. Clean, outdoorsy. That and the smell of fresh laundry is fantastic to people with OCD.

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