Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Getting Older aka. Why I don't want to turn 29.

In a few short months, I will be turning 29.  And to be honest, I'm not entirely thrilled about it.

Jump back a few years to December 2008.

3 weeks before my 25th birthday I broke my right wrist.  I happen to be right handed.

So there I was, living alone with my dominant arm in a cast that went from the tips of my fingers to my elbow in a hitchhiker position because I had a scaphoid fracture.

**For those of you who don't know, when you typically break your arm or wrist, they do not put your thumb in the cast.  A hitchhiker position includes your wrist so you loose the use of that oh so helpful opposable thumb.

So there I was, arm in cast, no use of right hand at all and I was utterly miserable.  You don't realize how much you rely on your thumb till you can't use it. 

I couldn't pick things up, I couldn't hold cutlery to eat, I couldn't do up buttons, I couldn't clasp my bra and to make things even worse I couldn't blow my nose.  Which was important because I ended up with a bloody cold.

I ended up going to stay with my parents for the Christmas break because I was having a really hard time doing much of anything.  I remember that year that I hid on my aunts sofa for most of Christmas Day with a box of tissues and pretty much felt sorry for myself while watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. 

I was 25, the year most people have an awesome Quarter Century bash and I needed my mom to help me tie my shoes.  Actually I think the most memorable part of it was during Christmas dinner.  My mom had put stuff on my plate for me, which was awesome, but I sat there and just stared at my dinner because I couldn't seem to find a way to cut my turkey into mouth sized pieces.  I contemplated just stabbing it and pulling off chunks with my teeth but I'm pretty sure that would have horrified my family.  The all of a sudden, my dad quietly reached over to my plate, cut my turkey into chunks and went back to his meal.  I almost started crying.  My daddy had cut my meat up for me.  It was the sweetest thing he could have done but it just reinforced how utterly pathetic I was feeling at the time.
I looked THIS depressed.  Honest.

Thankfully 4 weeks later the cast was off and I could once again shower without stuffing my arm into a bread bag.

The moral of the story?  Milestone birthdays in my 20s haven't gone very well for me in the past and the closer and closer I get to 30 the more I realize that I'm not where I want to be in my life.  Funny how a broken wrist can do that to you.  That year I wanted to be out partying with my friends, not sitting at home getting my parents to help me do simple things a toddler could do.  And here I am a few years later, approaching 29 and I don't want to be in this same situation when I turn 30. 

I live alone, I work too much, I don't get to socialize much and I'm generally just a little bit unhappy.  Not woefully depressed or anything but not happy with my circumstances by any means.   I mean I've basically given up dating, not that I even have time to meet new people and I feel like my friends who are getting engaged/married/pregnant are leaving me behind. 

I can't be the only one that feels this way right??

So over the next few weeks I'm going to be working on my bucket list.  Some of it will be stuff I want to accomplish before I turn 30.  The rest will be some of the big LIFE things I want to do.

Cheers,

Ash

4 comments:

  1. You're certainly NOT alone. I feel this way all the time; I think everyone feels this way. It would be strange if you didn't have a twinge of, "I wish my life looked like ___." 20's kinda suck and, in a lot of ways, I really look forward to my 30's - but not the feeling like my biological clock is really starting to tick, though. If your job makes you happy, stick with it, but if you're feeling like you just don't have the time to do what you want (and you can identify what you want) is it possible to look for jobs that are a little less demanding?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Despite being single, that whole "I need to find the love of my life and get married and have babies" thing isn't a huge priority for me. If it happens, it happens.

      Occasionally I glance at other job listings but it's pretty much the same thing at a different company unless I'm willing to go back to school (which I can't afford to do) or I'm willing to actually take a pay cut (which I can't afford to do). If I were to branch into another industry, I honestly have no clue where I would even start. *sigh* I think I'm just feeling super sorry for myself this week. That and I need a nap.

      Delete
  2. Oh honey, I completely feel you here. I was fortunate enough to have a fabulous 25th birthday, but every one since then has been terrible. This year at my 27th birthday I spent most of the time sitting on barstools by myself because everyone else who was out to celebrate my birthday was busy with their significant other talking to other couples about the awesome couple-y type things they had done. My best friend actually got engaged at my birthday party (which, yay for her, but really dude??) so I was feeling particularly alone that night.

    My feelings keep boiling down to loneliness, you know? All of my best girlfriends are either in a couple or still refusing to grow up enough to do anything fun other than go out drinking all the time (which I enjoy but can't financially or spiritually afford to do EVERY night). So I sit at home alone many nights and it just drags on me...

    I think we just need to keep plugging away and keep trying to do things that make us happy. Focus on your passions and trying new experiences and hopefully you'll have enough spectacular things to talk about that you'll make new friends that enjoy the same passions as you and/or find a significant other who does.

    Oh - and Ames is right, if you aren't happy at your job, maybe see what else is out there. If you can find something for similar pay, even if it's in a new field, give it a shot! Maybe you'll end up loving it. I never would have imagined myself enjoying work in the insurance field, hahahahaha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously, they got engaged at YOUR party? Kinda bizarre.

      Honestly during the week, by the time I get home from work, cook, eat dinner, clean up and have a shower it's ready for bed which eliminates me doing pretty much anything. The most social I get during the week is going to the gym and I don't even do that as often as I'd like.

      I enjoy my job in and of itself but it is a massive time and energy drain. As part of my bucket list I've tried to think if there is anything that I really REALLY want to do so over the next few months I'm going to look around and if something speaks to me then I'll give it a shot.

      I think the thing that has surprised me the most is that the longer I am alone, and the more time I spend solo, the more I actually like it. I love the peace and quiet after a brutal week. I love being able to curl up with a pot of tea, a good book and my kitten. My mom even said it, the longer you're alone, the more set in your ways you become. I don't want to turn into a hermit just because it's comfortable and I feel like everyone else is passing me by.

      That and being the "single" friend is getting really old, even if I don't have a problem being single.

      You girls rock, nice to know I'm among like minded people :D

      Ashley

      Delete