Thursday, July 28, 2011

Escape (The Pina Colada Song) aka. The Supidest Song EVER

I've already mentioned that I'm a bit of a music junkie.  Keeping that in mind, understand that the contents of my iPod can be a frightening thing.  I'm more than aware of this, and find no shame in having a disco playlist.

As I walked home from the office the other night, I was caught by the sheer stupidity of  Rupert Holmes' "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)". 

We all know it, we all sing along to it.  But have you ever actually LISTENED to the lyrics?  I had, but it never truly dawned on me how epically ridiculous this song is.

Let me break it down for you:

"I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long. Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song."
What a way to start a song.  Some guy is bored in a relationship.  At least he's honest right?

"So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed. And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:"
OK does anyone else find it incredibly disrespectful that he's IN BED WITH HER while he essentially looks for another woman?

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain."
Do men actually like Pina Coladas?  And when are we getting caught in the rain?  On the way to work?  Coming home from a night out drinking? Not really my idea of fun but to each his own.

"If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain."
Remember that this is the ad placed by a woman.  Again, how many men are into yoga?  And only half-a-brain?  You're not setting your standards too high there sweetheart.

"If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape. I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."
Ok you got me with the whole making love at midnight thing.  I'll give the girl that one.

"I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean. But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine."
You THINK that sounds kinda mean?  This guy is a real winner.

"So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad. And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad."
Actually dude it's not's basically plagiarism.  You just agreed to liking everything she put in her ad.

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain. I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."
So he's into Pina Coladas AND Champagne?  Is he sure he's straight?  I mean not to play into stereotypes but, that sounds a little gay. I know, I know, it was 1979.  Whatever.

"I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape."
Does he remember that he's written a LETTER to the newspaper for this ad?  By the time they get the letter, add it to the list of ads, get it published and she actually reads it you think it's really going to happen tomorrow at noon?  I mean really, you're sitting in bed AT NIGHT.  What an idiot.

"At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."
I don't know about you but I doubt a bar called O'Malley's serves Pina Coladas and Champagne.  Just putting it out there.

"So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place. I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face."
Awww how sweet.  He's cheating on her but he's sweet about it.

"It was my own lovely lady, and she said, Oh, it's you."
Holy Shit.  Really?  You are both cheating on each other and all you have to say is "Oh, it's you"?  Yeah right.

"And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"
I don't think most of us would find this a laughing matter.  She was looking to "escape" from your relationship and put out an add to meet another man. And he answered an ad that a woman placed in a newspaper WHILE LYING IN BED NEXT TO HER.  How unrealistic is this?  In real life this would be a badly shot episode of Cheaters where everyone is wearing polyester.

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain. And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne."
Again with the Pina Coladas and Champagne.  Do neither of them have any standards that involve, oh I don't know, virtues like HONESTY, RESPECT, LOYALTY. 

"If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape. You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."
Um you're not really escaping if you're leaving with the person you're already in a relationship with.

I mean seriously.  How unrealistic can you get?  They're both trying to covertly find another partner and happen to stumble upon each other through a want ad and they're both fine with this?  No arguing, no sense of betrayal.  All they say is "Oh, it's you?"  Doubtful.  Very doubtful.   

Despite that overall the premise of the song is kinda skeezy, it's stupid.  Possibly the stupidest song ever written.  And when you think of songs like, Wang Chung's "Everybody have fun tonight, T-Rex's, "Bang a Gong (Get it on) and "Woolly Bully" by Sam the Sham and The Pharaohs, that's saying A LOT.



P.s. For anyone who's never heard the song.  Here you go.

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